J:ltä tuli taas viestiä, melko itsesäälinkatkuista jotten sanoisi. Sitä että miten se katuu, miten se ei enää ikinä satuttaisi mua jos vaan antaisin sen uuden mahdollisuuden ja blaablaablaa. Vastasin sille tällaista (kirjoitusvirheitä on eikä muutenkaan mitään huippuenkkua, mutta tässä tunnekuohussa en nyt vaan oikeesti jaksanut välittää):
[I]I tell you something. What we had, how we were – it doesn´t exist anymore. It´s in the past and the future is different. We can´t get it back and you cant fix this, because things have changed. But the point is that it wasn´t my decision to change things. It just happened when you did what you did – by attacking me, by hurting me you made those good things to disappear. And they won´t come back.
I see you in so different way now. Don´t say you are the same cause you might be, but then i just didn´t know you very well. The person i thought you were wouldn´t have done this.
But still, i need to say, this wasn´t compeletely surprise for me. I didn´t expect it but sometimes when we were arguing you just were so aggressive that once or twice i had this question in my mind: Could he do something to me? And about this aggressive way i can say that you started to be like that more and more. At first i knew why we were arguing, what was the reason and how things went in the way they did. But then it started to be more and more that i didn´t even know anymore. One ”wrong” word, the way i said something, how i sounded or looked…anything could have been the reason you to get angry. During last few days there wasn´t anymore two people arguing. There was one. And i was just asking myself, why is he doing this, what did i do? The truth is that many times i didn´t do anything.
To me it seems that you can´t handle your anger at all. If i had a different opinion of something and if i said it or if i just mentioned about something (like those things about the oven and then washing machine) – you just couldn´t take it. You couldn´t take any criticism from me without getting angry.
So like i already said, i wasn´t a compeletely surprised. I was talking with Jukka and i said to him that if he had hurt me physically i would have been very surprised but now i´m not. That´s because of how he was with me. Not so aggressive, not so unpredictable than you are. This word, unpredictable, is actually very good for describing you. You´re so much like that that i felt i never knew how were you going to be. Even if you were nice i couldn´t help thinking that one ”wrong” word could change everything. It was impossible to try to read your moods.
And then you did what you did. When i said i´m not scared of you you wanted to show me that i maybe should be. You even asked ”So are you scared now?” while you were hurting me and holding me in so terrible way that i couldn´t even breathe properly. But yeah, you got what you wanted, i was scared of you.
This is the end. It´s impossible to go back where we were, cause that gate has already closed. I´m not going to be with someone i need to be afraid of, i´m not going to think when you might hurt me again. I couldn´t even be close to you without thinking of what you did. And that just makes me sick. It´s so fucking disgusting, to try to show me ”my place” as a weak woman, to force and control me with strength, to hurt physically someone you should protect. I couldn´t feel safe with you ever again. It´s just gone. You´ve totally broke my trust for you.[/I]