Burnouts

Last few days I have been relaxing and trying to recover from burnout episode.
I have been having manic and depressive episodes one after other. Like usual, I just have been trying to survive these episodes and work work work. What is my work? I do not know, right now.
I should be shooting my movie, but the script is vanished from my head partially. And my notes about the script is misplaced somewhere. Besides that there have been actual problems in real life. So instead of going back inside to my head I've have tried to deal with these real life problems.
Huge mountain of bills and things need to take care of, and my own wellbeing.

I started to realize some point, how badly damaged my head is in reality. Most part of last few years I've not been able to work full year like normal people, instead I've been working 8-10 months a year and even accomplish that have been really difficult.

Many people have been giving me chances to do something and make money, and I appreciate those efforts a lot. I'm disappointed to my self because I was not able to respond any of these, and I think many people got angry / disappointed / upset because of this. At this point I would like to say "sorry" - but I know it is not making any difference so I just skip that part and continue of what I was trying to write about.

My company is probably going to bank rub soon. Reason is my manic & depressive episodes.
I see my self trying to hang on of the self image what I made of my self, without even a clear picture of that myself. It would be nice to sort of give up, ask for help.
But the problem what I feel I have in that is, who I should ask help from?
Why anybody would want to help me anymore?
I have got so much help during the years that it seems stupid and embarrassing to even start seeking help from many places.

Complaining, I see myself complaining about all the time. If somebody would put mirror in front of me, I would probably want to take "observer" - side of looking my self.
It would be so much nicer to see myself as a stranger, instead of myself. It would be nicer to judge myself because "I'm not me" - partially that is true, I have not been the normal "me" what I usually am. My psychological problems makes me somebody else, or acting the way what I supposed not to act.

I saw social agency today, they are going to help me out with the rent what I could not pay from two past months. At least one thing is certain again, I have place where to go. That's huge relief.
The women who I met today, said to me pretty straight that it seems like I have not been able to concertate on my own wellbeing and healing my self, because of the stress and other things (work, usually sales) what has been going on in my life.

Right now I believe I should be doing something for somebody, but I'm not sure what is expected from me or what I should do. Photography, writing or movie?
What should I try to accomplish?

If it is a movie, then it would be pretty easy task. I should tell my life story to somebody who would like to make a proper movie out of that. There is many different stories what could be used, and I am literally surprised to have so much interest from other people in my life and how I'm doing.

If I could participate on the directing the movie, to try accept what happened in reality and what things I would like to tell to other people. That would be great thing to do.
I have seen many different tv-series and movies having pieces from my life, and I feel honored of this.
I just wish I would maybe have small compensation of the incomes what they could have, and I'm not greed.

I heard a rumor in radio that Finnish government possibility was going to support some artist with huge sum of money, to get work finished and life rolling again.
It seems to be too much "dream come true" - if it would be me.
Something so nice, and big. To me?! Impossible. I have not done anything "special" - still other people see my life to be more special than I do.
I guess that the experiences of traveling and surviving though situations have made me who I am.
I see my self a "loser" - who never gets anything done, still I have accomplished lot's of things in my life.

If I understand correctly, I am pretty famous or have been maybe longer time that I've realized my self. The reason why I have not been (if there would have been chance) in TV is because I'm shy, I would like to keep my self as close to normal unknown people what I could. Because I fear the possibility of not having normal life, going to grocery store and enjoying life with my friends if I would be know everywhere.
I guess that is not true, it could open new doors to many new places and give possibilities to make some difference of somewhere in something.
Sometimes I drift in life long times without having clear image of what to do. This is pretty much usual me, lost in the waves of sea.

Many people who I've met while traveling had said to me that I should see a world a bit.
They are so right, only thing besides money keeping me in Finland is my two dogs. I don't have place where I could take them and they are so important to me that even when I think about life without them makes me cry every time.
I guess I should just let go of the past and head forward. But still jumping from the cliff of unknown makes me fear of succeeding even once in my life.

Also I would like to enjoy some time just life, I would like to compose some music with professional musicians and hang out. Yeas, I would like to also smoke some weed. Mostly leaf or something mild. I do not want to be wasted anymore, I think I had my share of that life style.

If I could have so called perfect life, or lot's of money to make that happen.
I would probably buy my self a house from my home "county", near Helsinki. Make sure there is enough oil / firewood for longer time than I would actually need. Just to make sure I can survive even if I got to bad condition again.
Car, tools for support the way of life. Entertainment things, invest some that it would upkeep it self and maybe make small refund / profit. Nothing major.
I would travel to see my friends, and try to help my friends who have helped me. Make my social network more stronger and more easier to bear my "hard times" - give them resources what would support also me in bad situation.

I've seen / heard rumors about people who have lot's of money and would possible want to help me, but do not know me or how. That is so nice thought, even that dream that somebody would actually give part of their wellbeing and hard work just to make me happy, warms me from inside a lot.

Sometimes I'm even too patient to wait for something good to happen. I think I just passed many of this kind of possibilities.
I saw documentary of Woody Allen's life and also few other peoples life who are successful and has lot's of money / influence. It's nice to see those people sending "message" to unknown recipient without even knowing that will the targeted recipient even ever see that. The thought of them sending those things to me, makes me feel loved by the universe.

If that is the "good karma" - what I've been gaining then so be it! Thank you!

I just wish I could send a message back / contact you someway to express my gratitude by perhaps juggling to you, or doing some kind of special art. Poetry, play, or something personal.

I often donate my work for free for other people so I can just see them to get happy about the thought that I've put my heart and soul just to see them enjoy.
Maybe now it would be my time. (I'm really surprised I even gave my self permission of think about that, that's how modest I'm).