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Hi

I have been resting with friends last few days.
We have been talking about my sense of reality & imagination.
One problem what I've stumbled across is that where does my imagination start and reality end?

By this I refer to possible help what I got from people who I don't know directly or have not contacted directly.

Some time ago I got lot's of attention from every direction, and I got really confused about this.
First time in my life, it could go easier than "normally" - this is situation what I have not come used to.
Usually I have been fighting for my survival and have got used to idea of everything needs to be done by yourself, or otherwise it will not get done.
This changed really fast and it was weird.

If I understood correctly many companies & people tried to give helping hand to me many different ways.
How sweet of them, thank you.

I think many people thinks atm that I'm hard to help / hard in mind / difficult to approach, this is partially true but not all.

I'm quite easy going outside directed guy from the deep inside of me. Some situations I wanted to keep things to myself and I "act" crazy because I did not want people to follow me or look me as an idol of some sort.

I did this because I know from experience and fact that leadership is not easy task. I was not ready to take those big shoes what people tried to offer me.

I would like to start from small and succeed with time to grow to bigger things.
I have lot's of things in my own life what I should take care of but I don't have resources to solve my own problems. They are quite small in reality, but big in my mind, they have grown in time and got little bit more complicated as I grew up.
Quite normal thing I guess.

Something what bothers me a bit, is the general thought that "we figured you out - we know what & who are you" - at least if I'm not imagining anything this time.

That is also partial truth. You may know the parts of me what I had courage to show you, and I think I did not show my best. The reason is my own wellbeing, I had burnout (actually 4 in last 4 months to be honest).

I wish i can have another chance in future to show real me, the part's what you were hoping to see more of me.

Not the mysterious lunatic what I did show to you.
I was preparing my self to leave Finland, go to visit Austria & see one band & couple of my friends who are waiting (maybe not anymore) me there.

I did not have money to travel, that is why I'm still in Finland.
I think this is small problem what could be easily take care of, but my constance does not let me leave before I have solved my bills in my personal life and also business.

They are not much but in this mental situation what I'm atm they are hard to take care of. Especially because I work alone, I have people who are interested to work for me but I do not have any money to pay salary to them or me. (Or the bills what I have.)

I don't know if it would be a good idea or not, but just in case there is somebody really reading my writings and would be still interested to help me out somehow I could write some numbers to here so maybe we could solve them together. The problem is that you need to contact me directly if you want to help.

That is only way how we can guide right things to right place.

Bills:

Company website (1800e including tax + Google Ads)
Business cards & procures 180e
Taxes (20 000 in this year, 544,XX month)

Personal:

Phone bill 450e (2 months, includes personal & business contacting)
Network bill 100e (2 months, static & mobile internet)
Doctor bill 400e (2 visits)

And maybe some other bills but even surviving from those would help a lot.

Somebody who I saw few weeks - 6 weeks ago in Metro station said "those who really needs those are not the ones who are making the calculations" - he was trying to help me by hiring me (he asked about the prices)
Still, long time after I do not have prices visible in internet and right now it is not even wise to announce them because I cant deliver.

What I would need for my life, so I could upkeep it better?

House from country side (not even need to be big, just need some room)
Car what does not consume much (my own car is crashed 25.12.2012 and last time I checked it is still un repaired in Mäntyharju, Finland)

Wife / girlfriend (I have somebody / few people who I'm interested of but limitation in money & mental health keeps that all the time "in the future")

Somebody to take care of my dogs while I travel (I have friends who could do this for me if they had more time off / resources of them self)

I have been playing with a thought:

What I would do, if I had 5 million euros?

I would by myself a house, car, etc. Take care of firewoods for my own house & couple friends who have helped me.
I would make my own social network stronger and make arrangements what would benefit us all as in a "community" - even they are "widely spread". The goal would be to make their life easier to support my life and my needs.

Not big arrangements even would need to take place, just small honing here and there.

I would buy one house in Finland, one Austria and possible one in USA.
The time I'm not one of those in year I would have some local company renting & taking care of the houses for me.

And I would try to invest some of the money so that it would upkeep it self with small risk.

Also I would donate 100 000 euros to my neese's & nephew via "Family Tree Foundation" - not registered / founded yet.

This foundation purpose to exist is to support my family's family tree and give a nest eat to my (future) children and brothers children. Assist them to have driving licenses & study to survive in this world better than their uncle has so far succeeded.

Also other people outside of this family could have support of experts helping people via applications. If somebody would have problem what they can't solve their selves they could try to contact this foundation and the people would evaluate the need of help according to situation & try to guide people to places where they could get help / they should be obligated to get help from.

In Finland we have really good social security system, but sometimes these facilities still fail for one reason or another.

The meaning is not replace these structures but help those who are close to this family and who could be helped.

For fact this kind of operation would need to have large networks of associates and businesses, it is not task of one organization to accomplish.

I would also invest about 500 000 euros to my own company to have enough funds to recruit professional people & invest tools & other things what my company would need to have to start working in the way real companies should operate.

My own wellbeing is not the best so I would "retire" from this mostly, but I would still be around as much I can, supervising & planning the road to future.

But in the nutshell that is what I try to accomplish in my life.

Thanks for reading.

Ville Ruokolainen
Ville.ruokolainen@gmail.com
www.smoothproductions.fi

Last few days I have been relaxing and trying to recover from burnout episode.
I have been having manic and depressive episodes one after other. Like usual, I just have been trying to survive these episodes and work work work. What is my work? I do not know, right now.
I should be shooting my movie, but the script is vanished from my head partially. And my notes about the script is misplaced somewhere. Besides that there have been actual problems in real life. So instead of going back inside to my head I've have tried to deal with these real life problems.
Huge mountain of bills and things need to take care of, and my own wellbeing.

I started to realize some point, how badly damaged my head is in reality. Most part of last few years I've not been able to work full year like normal people, instead I've been working 8-10 months a year and even accomplish that have been really difficult.

Many people have been giving me chances to do something and make money, and I appreciate those efforts a lot. I'm disappointed to my self because I was not able to respond any of these, and I think many people got angry / disappointed / upset because of this. At this point I would like to say "sorry" - but I know it is not making any difference so I just skip that part and continue of what I was trying to write about.

My company is probably going to bank rub soon. Reason is my manic & depressive episodes.
I see my self trying to hang on of the self image what I made of my self, without even a clear picture of that myself. It would be nice to sort of give up, ask for help.
But the problem what I feel I have in that is, who I should ask help from?
Why anybody would want to help me anymore?
I have got so much help during the years that it seems stupid and embarrassing to even start seeking help from many places.

Complaining, I see myself complaining about all the time. If somebody would put mirror in front of me, I would probably want to take "observer" - side of looking my self.
It would be so much nicer to see myself as a stranger, instead of myself. It would be nicer to judge myself because "I'm not me" - partially that is true, I have not been the normal "me" what I usually am. My psychological problems makes me somebody else, or acting the way what I supposed not to act.

I saw social agency today, they are going to help me out with the rent what I could not pay from two past months. At least one thing is certain again, I have place where to go. That's huge relief.
The women who I met today, said to me pretty straight that it seems like I have not been able to concertate on my own wellbeing and healing my self, because of the stress and other things (work, usually sales) what has been going on in my life.

Right now I believe I should be doing something for somebody, but I'm not sure what is expected from me or what I should do. Photography, writing or movie?
What should I try to accomplish?

If it is a movie, then it would be pretty easy task. I should tell my life story to somebody who would like to make a proper movie out of that. There is many different stories what could be used, and I am literally surprised to have so much interest from other people in my life and how I'm doing.

If I could participate on the directing the movie, to try accept what happened in reality and what things I would like to tell to other people. That would be great thing to do.
I have seen many different tv-series and movies having pieces from my life, and I feel honored of this.
I just wish I would maybe have small compensation of the incomes what they could have, and I'm not greed.

I heard a rumor in radio that Finnish government possibility was going to support some artist with huge sum of money, to get work finished and life rolling again.
It seems to be too much "dream come true" - if it would be me.
Something so nice, and big. To me?! Impossible. I have not done anything "special" - still other people see my life to be more special than I do.
I guess that the experiences of traveling and surviving though situations have made me who I am.
I see my self a "loser" - who never gets anything done, still I have accomplished lot's of things in my life.

If I understand correctly, I am pretty famous or have been maybe longer time that I've realized my self. The reason why I have not been (if there would have been chance) in TV is because I'm shy, I would like to keep my self as close to normal unknown people what I could. Because I fear the possibility of not having normal life, going to grocery store and enjoying life with my friends if I would be know everywhere.
I guess that is not true, it could open new doors to many new places and give possibilities to make some difference of somewhere in something.
Sometimes I drift in life long times without having clear image of what to do. This is pretty much usual me, lost in the waves of sea.

Many people who I've met while traveling had said to me that I should see a world a bit.
They are so right, only thing besides money keeping me in Finland is my two dogs. I don't have place where I could take them and they are so important to me that even when I think about life without them makes me cry every time.
I guess I should just let go of the past and head forward. But still jumping from the cliff of unknown makes me fear of succeeding even once in my life.

Also I would like to enjoy some time just life, I would like to compose some music with professional musicians and hang out. Yeas, I would like to also smoke some weed. Mostly leaf or something mild. I do not want to be wasted anymore, I think I had my share of that life style.

If I could have so called perfect life, or lot's of money to make that happen.
I would probably buy my self a house from my home "county", near Helsinki. Make sure there is enough oil / firewood for longer time than I would actually need. Just to make sure I can survive even if I got to bad condition again.
Car, tools for support the way of life. Entertainment things, invest some that it would upkeep it self and maybe make small refund / profit. Nothing major.
I would travel to see my friends, and try to help my friends who have helped me. Make my social network more stronger and more easier to bear my "hard times" - give them resources what would support also me in bad situation.

I've seen / heard rumors about people who have lot's of money and would possible want to help me, but do not know me or how. That is so nice thought, even that dream that somebody would actually give part of their wellbeing and hard work just to make me happy, warms me from inside a lot.

Sometimes I'm even too patient to wait for something good to happen. I think I just passed many of this kind of possibilities.
I saw documentary of Woody Allen's life and also few other peoples life who are successful and has lot's of money / influence. It's nice to see those people sending "message" to unknown recipient without even knowing that will the targeted recipient even ever see that. The thought of them sending those things to me, makes me feel loved by the universe.

If that is the "good karma" - what I've been gaining then so be it! Thank you!

I just wish I could send a message back / contact you someway to express my gratitude by perhaps juggling to you, or doing some kind of special art. Poetry, play, or something personal.

I often donate my work for free for other people so I can just see them to get happy about the thought that I've put my heart and soul just to see them enjoy.
Maybe now it would be my time. (I'm really surprised I even gave my self permission of think about that, that's how modest I'm).

Olen viime aikoina pyrkinyt kuntoutumaan. Olen nukkunut hyvin epäsäännöllisesti.
En ole saanut unta suuren stressimäärän ja ahdistuksen takia.
Tästä syystä olen pyrkinyt niissä rajoissa mitä minulla on mm. rahalliset & muut normaalia elämääni rajoittavat tekijät, pyrkinyt syömään säännöllisesti ja nauttimaan omasta elämästäni.

Minun pitäisi hakea sairaslomaa koska pitkittynyt stressi ja muut psykologiset ongelmat ja niiden hoito ja avun saaminen oikeista paikoista on ollut hankalaa.

Olen tavannut tuntemattomia ihmisiä jotka haluaisivat auttaa, heitä kaikkia haluaisin kiittää, sillä he ansaitsevat kiitoksensa.

Meitä on täällä aika monta, tarkoitan siis ihmisiä.
Meillä kaikilla on peruselämässä samat tarpeet. Tarvitsemme ravintoa, aurinkoa, paikan missä asua. Sekä kaikkia muita normaaleja asioita.

Ratkaisu omalta kohdaltani kuntoutumiselle, olisi hakea sairaslomaa & henkilökohtainen avustaja.
Tämän kaltaisella ratkaisulla tukisin omaa kuntoutustani.

Kävin terveyskeskuksessa, ensimmäinen vapaa aika oli yli kuukauden päässä siitä päivämäärästä. Milloin apua tarvitsisin (tällä hetkellä).
Olen käyttänyt myös yksityisiä lääkäripalveluita, koska sieltä puolelta avun saaminen on ollut helpompaa.
Syy tähän on yleisen terveydenhuollon ylikuormitus (minun nähdäkseni).
Sekä muut tiedossa olevat tutkitut ongelmat.

Ongelmia on kaikilla ihmisillä ja valtioilla. Tämän takia jokainen valtio & hallitus pyrkii tekemään sen kaltaisia ratkaisuita, mitkä sopivat alueelliseen tilanteeseen sekä heidän omaan tilanteeseensa.

Olen tällä hetkellä maaseudulla erään hyvän ystäväni / perhetuttavani luona.

Tämä tuntui rauhalliselta paikalta, tulla nukkumaan ja lepäämään.

Tililläni (henkilökohtaisella + muilla tileilläni) on tällä hetkellä omien tietojeni mukaan 2-3 euroa.
Laskupinoni on kuitenkin aika korkea, lisäksi oma kirjanpitäjäni (yrityksen kirjanpitäjä) varmasti ihmettelee miksi en ole tullut käymään vaikka olen hänelle aina välillä soittanut ja sanonut tulevani käymään.

Tämä johtuu siitä, että olen ollut psyykkisesti huonossa kunnossa ja aikatauluni ovat muuttuneet koko ajan koska yllättäviä asioita on tullut eteen.
Koska olen ollut huonossa kunnossa, päätöksenteko kykyni omaan yritykseeni liittyen on ollut heikko.
Lisäksi ongelmia on aiheuttanut se, että "oikea" liiketoimintasuunnitelmani on toistaiseksi ollut salainen siitä syystä, että minulla ei ole ollut resursseja sen toteuttamiseen, olen pyrkinyt toimimaan niiden resurssien puitteissa mitä minulla on ollut käytettävissä. Tämä tarkoittaa käytännössä valokuvaamista.

Näitä resursseja on yritetty tarjota, mutta en ole osannut / uskaltanut tarttua tarjouksiin koska niiden ihmisten / tahojen jotka asioista päättävät, puhelinnumerot / muut tarvittavat yhteystiedot eivät ole minun hallussani (viittaan siis toimitusjohtajiin / nimettyihin ostajiin eri yhtiöissä)

Yleisesti ottaen olen käyttänyt muistiinpanovälineitä, mm. pientä mustaa kirjaa. Johon olen kirjoittanut ajatuksiani ja muistiinpanojani.
Käytän tämän kaltaisia välineitä, jotta saan ensin luonnosteltua & tarkasteltua omia ajatuksiani ja tarvittaessa kysyttyä mielipidettä joltakin muulta.

Viime aikoina lehdissä & maailmassa on tapahtunut paljon hyviä muutoksia, en kuitenkaan kommentoi tai nimeä näitä sen enempää.
Ainoa esimerkki, mitä voin sanoa on mm. uusi paavi. Minulle tuli heti ns. "hyvä fiilis" kun näin hänen kuvansa ensi kertaa Metro - lehdessä tervehtimässä kaikkia ihmisiä.

Olen itse pyrkinyt välttämään julkisuutta, jopa oman yritykseni johtajana sen takia että olen ollut huonossa kunnossa ja kärsinyt mm. esiintymispelosta.

Lisäksi niin sanottu efekti "kuka heitti ensimmäisen kiven" - eli kuka tyrmää ajatukseni tai eivät ymmärtänyt sitä oikein. Pelotti todella paljon.

Olen vastuussa ainoastaan omasta elämästäni sekä omasta yrityksestäni.
Kuitenkin aiemmin mainitut syyt, stressi & pelkotilat ovat heikentäneet ja vaikeuttaneet yritykseni ensitaivalta.

Nyt aion pyrkiä pääsemään lääkäriin ja sen jälkeen pyrin järjestämään omia asiotani mm. vuokrani maksamiselle vuokra-asunnostani.

Lisäksi pitäisi lähettää lasku, niille yhteistyökumppaneille "joille olen tehnyt" töitä ja keiden kanssa minulla on sopimus allekirjoitettuna. Tähänkin vaikuttaa kuitenkin lait ja muut säädökset.
Tähän vaikuttaa se, että minut on koulutettu työelämässä niin, että laskutukseen liittyvät yksityiskohdat, on sovittu ostajan kanssa henkilökohtaisesti jotta voidaan luottaa yhteistyökumppaniin ja heidän toimintaansa.

Allekirjoitus:

Ville-Petteri S. Ruokolainen
yksityishenkilö