So… Here we are. Wrists are open and life itself is mocking me, by throwing these pieces of hope in front of me.
So, let’s take a few steps back, shall we? The story goes like this:
I fucked up (no intentionally, but still, I fucked up) everything. We were thrown out from out our apartment, whit only 2 days evaction notice (long story…).
Niina took her stuff, and some of mine so that we could leave the place. I took Pimu and went to Helsinki and dropped her off there. Then I just started wondering around finland. I vizited many cities and many other places….
I slept under my friends flats, and i slept under the clear sky, I also slept in the rain, which wasn’t that bad as it probably sounds like.
I was lost, and I think I still am.
One night, not so long ago, I had made up my mind. I slashed my arms wide open and started waiting for my gentle slumber, that would last forever.
I had lost everything. There was no reasons to stay here. Along my earthly stuff, I had lost the only one thing that had been keeping me alive. I thought, that I’d never could be close to Niina.
The only thing, that had gave me hope was now so far away from me, that it made me vomit.
Must have been a pretty sight. Man is taking a rest on backpack, crying, bleeding and throwing up. All the shit mixed into a revolting mucus.
Then I rememberd one sms, which I read again and started thinking, that could I really have power to turn this mess on to a something new…
I decided to try, onece again.
I got into a buss, which was going to Helsinki and I jumped on and paid the fee with the very last money I had.
I took over the backseats and started to make a pressure band from my clothes and with disposable ice package, I got the bleeding stop.
Someone must have called the police, since they were waiting me at the last stop. They took me to the hospital, where the cuts were sewed up. They were going to take me in as a long-term customer, but I just signed the papers, that I’ll take full resposibility for my actions and so the doctor I was dealing with were safe.
Now I’m here at Helsinki. I’ve tried the best I can to make this shit going on the right rails. I now have the new apartment for us, just waiting for someone to come furnish the flat.
I now have taken care of the debts I have and what I have caused to those, who don’t deserve it.
Something I cant make right, is probably the past. Something is still missing, and I think that that’s the way it’s going to be.
I think that I’ve fucked up everything so perfectly, that there is not, and there should be not a room for a forgiveness…
The worse thing is, that forgiveness I am waiting. Again. After all the pain I’ve caused to everyone pass these years, I’m still waiting people to just forgive…
It’s just not right.
I know, I haven’t done anything on purpose, but that is not an excuse. At least it shouldn’t be.
Right now the situation is this: i’m balancing between two options; I stop that forgiveness shit once and for all, since I don’t feel like I deserve it. Or, I wait and hear the words, that your mistakes aren’t forgiveable. Or I hear the words, let’s try, one more time….
And I don’t know what to do. I’m ashamed, sad, broken and pathetic pile of shit in this world.
I want to leave this world. But i’m scared.
I want to be in this world, with Niina by myside and feel the happiness running though my veins. I want to be close to her. I wanna comfort her, when she feels sad. I wanna be there making her self comfortable, after shes been trouhg rough day at work and watch her falling to sleep…
Nonsense!
Everyone around me, is telling me to start thinking about yourself for a once. Take care of your own life, before starting to act like a little boy falling in love.
The fact they all are missing, is that i’m thinking about myself in this matter. A far too much actually. I think, that in this position, i’m no one beg love from nobody.
The fact is, that my chances in this matter towards Niina are nonexistent.
And as before, when that is being said, I see no future for me in this world.
Yeah, it’s patetic. It’s childis. All this i’m writing about, is only a big big vig big big big big big big big big big big big big big big excuse for the fact that I FUCKED UP EVERYTHING ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!
THERE IS ONLY LEFT THIS FAIRYTALE IN MY MIND THAT STATES THAT NIINA WOULD FORGIVE ME AND BE WITH ME AGAIN!!!
This is just… fuck.
There is nothing left. Nothing, for fucks sake!
A bit too dramatic, huh?
A bit too slimy, maybe?
A bit too OVER DRAMATIC, you think?
Fuck this, we all know what is going to happen.
The dark cloud above me is still hanging along, no matter what happens. It’s easier to give up and be a fucking coward.
And you, you all people who have been in your million relationships, kepp your fucking mouths shut. For me, this never was a game. For me, there were no save points, nor continues… The choise starting a perfectly new game is nonexistent. There were only Me and Niina. And it is starting to look that the game is over, for my part.
My apologies for everyone. I never meant to hurt none on you.
”The pain is just a weakness leaving the body.The pain reliefing is just going forward in the line”