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Hard working husband

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time!"

Koko syksyn kestäneen turbulenssin jälkeen pysähdys jouluun teki melko isosti pahaa, kun yhtäkkiä olikin hiukan blogausta syvemmin aikaa ruotia, missä työmaalla mennään ja miten itse koen sopivani kokonaisuuteen.

Tänään sitten oheinen artikkeli osui silmiini: http://www.iltalehti.fi/terveys/200712186904251_tr.shtml, ja lisää aiheesta löytyi osoitteesta http://www.boreout.com/. Kutakuinkin kaikki listatut merkit (9/10) täsmäävät.

Itsediagnoosin perusteella suosittelen itselleni vakavasti työpaikan vaihtamista tai vähintään siirtymistä toisiin tehtäviin talon sisällä.

Oikein Hyvää Joulua tasapuolisesti itse kullekin!

Pitäkää harrasta, hauskaa tai riehakasta, mutta älkää joutuko merkinnäksi mihinkään ikävään tilastoon.

*<|:-)

Tämmöistä tänään... :-)

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The telephone rings ...

"Hello, Señor Lucky? This is Manuel the caretaker at your country house, in the Dominican Republic."
"Ah yes, Manuel. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Señor"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Señor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE.................

"Manuel, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

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Management Lesson

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office ...
But she had a boyfriend...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,
"I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you"
But the girl said "NO WAY!"

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up"

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend ... So, she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down!"

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks "What happened?"

She said "The bastard used coins!!"

So Management lesson is: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Karuinkaan lääkäri ei edes halutessaan kykene sellaiseen tuhoon, minkä keskiverto insinööri saattaa tehdä aivan ohimennen... Ohessa pitkähkö tarina, joka ehkä auttaa ymmärtämään insinöörejä osana luomakuntaa... :-)

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Engineers

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
A. Straighten it
B. Ignore it
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
*Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
*Important social contacts
*A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
*Get it over with as soon as possible.
*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:
(1) Things that need to be fixed, and
(2) Things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
* Hindenberg.
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 13.
* Titanic.
* Ford Pinto.
* Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal - a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

Huomaa, että on perjantai, näitä näyttää taas putoilevan tasaiseen tahtiin... :-)

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Kävin aamulla ostamassa tuossa nopeasti kulmakioskilta Ilta-Sanomat, kun kioski niin sopivasti on matkanvarrella. Ku mä tulin ulos kiskasta jostain oli ilmestynyt paikalle pysäköinninvalvojatäti. Menin paikalle ja sanoin: huomenta, kävin tuossa äkkiä ostamassa vaan lehden.
Lappuliisa ei ollut kuulevinaankaan.
Sanoin hei haloo! Onko rouva kuuro?
Tähän ei saa pysäköidä, maksu tulee. -kuului tyly vastaus.
Tässä kohtaa alkoi vähän keittää kiinni tuollainen ylimielinen asenne.
Selitin hänelle että kävin todellakin ostamassa lehden ja ymmärrän kyllä että hän tekee vaan työtään jne... Jatkoi kirjoittamista ja totesi että soittaa kohta poliisit jos en ole hiljaa.
Tässä vaiheessa ns. paloi kiinni ja totesin: Saatanan punainen pahoilainen, v..tu, eikö sulla p...le ole muuta tekemistä kun olla täällä jakamassa lappuja rehellisten ja kunnollisten ihmisten autoihin. Taidat olla joku eläkkeellä oleva huora, jonka aivot kaman käyttö on pehmittänyt tajuutko sä idiotti mistään mitään? Mä otan selville missä asut ja voit olla varma, että tämä kostetaan!
Tuo on kunnianloukkaus ja uhkaus, soitan poliisin nyt - kirkui tuo vanha lepakko.
Soita vaan h...tin ämmä! Pyydä että tulee oikein pillit ulvoen p..le.
Vetäisin henkeä ja totesin että antaa olla. Tuli taas vähän turhaan hiillyttyä.
Lähdin kävelemään hitaasti pois päin.
Parkkipirkko kiljui perään "Rekisteri numerolla kyllä saadaan sut kiinni. Ei kannata juosta karkuun. Auton saa noutaa Tattarisuolta, sinne se hinataan, ja ihan varmasti poliisi ottaa yhteyttä, ihan varmasti saat sakot uhkailusta.
Rekisterissä oleva haltija vastaa ajoneuvosta ja joutuu maksamaan, sulle poika tulee kallis lasku. Odota nyt vaan poliisia niin on helpoin tie..."
Ininä etääntyi hiljalleen. Hymyilin. Miten helvetissä toi parkkipirkko voisi selvittää tuon auton rekisterinumeron perusteella mun nimen.
Onneksi olin kävellen liikkeellä. Tänäkin aamuna.
No toivottavasti tuli puolustettua jonkun rehellisen ja kunnollisen kansalaisen asiaa, ettei mennyt räyhääminen ihan hukkaan.

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Mies tuli hienoon ravintolaan Helsingissä ja tilatessaan tarjoilijalta Inarin riekkopaistia sanoi: "Voisitteko tuoda linnun ennen laittamista näytille?"
Tarjoilija suostui outoon pyyntöön ja vei kynityn riekon tarjottimella pöytään. Mies tunki sormensa riekon perseeseen, veti ulos ja haistoi sitä, "Ei tämä ole Inarin riekkoa vaan Kittilän. Haluan nimenomaan Inarin riekkoa!"
Tarjoilija ymmällään palasi linnun kanssa keittiöön ja kokki antoi uuden linnun, joka piti olla oikealta suunnalta.
Taas asiakas tunki sormensa lintuun ja haistoi: " Tämä lintu on Karigasniemeltä, ei kelpaa!"
Tarjoilija jo hermostuneena palasi keittiöön ja kertoi asian kokille.
Kokki Lämssä suutahti ja marssi pöytään, riisui housunsa, näytti karvaista persettään asiakkaalle ja sanoi "Minut löydettiin vauvana orpona Riihimäen juna-asemalta ja olen aina halunnut tietää mistä olen kotoisin!"

...on kirjoitettu, joulumerkitetty ja laitettu punaisiin joulupostipusseihin (max. 25 per pussi) pudotettavaksi huomenna joulupostilaatikkoon.

Laatikosta postin joulusesongin kausiväki noutaa ja lajittelee ne toimitettavaksi eteenpäin joulupostirekalla. Kuskilla soi kopissa Hassisen Koneen Jouluyö, tai Juicen Sika. Tai sitten auton radio on rikki, ja kuski kehittelee versiota Joulurekkamies Matti Eskon vanhan biisin pohjalta.

Lopulta kortit päätyvät joulun erikoisjaossa perheen, ystävien, kavereitten ja tuttavien joululiinalla peitetyn eteispöydän kulmalle tuomaan pienen rahtusen joulumieltä.

Oma joulumieleni kasvoi rahtusen joka kortista. Vaikka muutoin pidänkin laiskasti yhteyttä ystäviini, joulutervehdys on jotain, jonka voi aina lähettää ilman huonoa omaatuntoa välillä kuukausia kestävästä radiohiljaisuudesta.

Eläköön se pieni ero... ;->

Miksi on niin valtavan kivaa olla mies....
1. Puhelinkeskustelut ovat ohi 30 sekunnissa
2. Kun elokuvissa näkyy alastomia ihmisiä, ne ovat aina naisia
3. Viikonloppulomasta selviää pienellä putkikassilla
4. Sunnuntaisin elämän sisällöksi riittää jääkiekko...
5. Lauantaisin elämän sisällöksi riittää jalkapallo
6. Saat itse kaikki purkit auki
7. Vanhat ystäväsi eivät välitä hevon helvettiä olet sitten laihtunut tai lihonut
8. Parturissa käyntiin ei mene rahaa 80 euroa
9. Kaljamaha ei tee sinua näkymättömäksi vastakkaiselle sukupuolelle
10. Sinun ei tarvitse kantaa puolta omaisuuttasi mukana käsilaukussa
11. Sukunimesi pysyy samana kehdosta hautaan
12. Saat pitää autotallin kokonaan itselläsi
13. Sinun ei koskaan tarvitse pestä vessaa
14. Suihkussa käynti kestää korkeintaan 10 minuuttia. Tähän kuuluu kaikki vaatteiden riisumisesta niiden takaisin päälle pukemiseen
15. Häävalmistelut hoituvat itsestään
16. 10 eurolla saat kolmet alushousut
17. Cheerleaderit!
18. Kukaan työkaverisi ei koskaan ole saanut sinua itkemään
19. Sinun ei tarvitse huolehtia leuan ja varpaiden välissä kasvavista karvoista
20. Sinun ei tarvitse nukkua joka yö jonkun ihme karvapersehyypiön vieressä
21. Kukilla saa kätevästi hoidettua kaikki kriisitilanteet
22. Sinun ei tarvitse vaivata päätäsi sillä mitä muut ihmiset ajattelevat. Mistään. Ylipäätään.
23. Kolme paria kenkiä riittää vallan hyvin kaikenlaisiin tilanteisiin vapaa-ajasta hautajaisiin
24. Boyzonea ei ole olemassa sinun universumissasi
25. Kun sinä astut huoneeseen, alatyylisen vitsin kertomista ei lopeteta kuin seinään, vaan sen kertominen aloitetaan alusta
26. Sama työ - enemmän palkkaa!
27. Et tiedä mikä paras kaverisi on horoskooppimerkiltään
28. Kuumavahakäsittelyt pysyvät kaukana sinun karvoistasi
29. Videoiden asentamiseen ei tarvita isiä
30. Automekaanikot puhuvat sinulle totta
31. Voit istua jalat harallaan, olipa sinulla sitten päälläsi mitä tahansa
32. Hääpuku 2000 euroa, smokin vuokra 80 euroa
33. Ihmiset eivät tuijota rintojasi kun puhut
34. Naisille: "Estee Lauderin puhdistusmaito, kasvovesi, herkän ihon pesuneste, yövoide, kuorintavoide tarjouksena Emotionissa nyt vain 148 euroa paketti, vain tämän viikon!" Miehille: Saippua RobinHoodissa 1,50 eurolla 3 kpl, aina ja ikuisesti
35. Voit lähteä sotimaan ja ampumaan ulkomaalaisia
36. Huonekalujen kokoamisohjeet ovat viitteellisiä - osaat homman ilmankin
37. Sotafilmit
38. Lesbot
39. Jennifer Aniston
40. Sinulla on päässäsi monien kaupunkien karttoja
41. Koko maailma on pisuaarisi

Eräs tuttavani oli pudottanut tämän boxiini viikonloppuna. Mielenkiintoisia ajatuksia tuolla seassa... :-)

A few facts I thought you may find interesting. Did you know...

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

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In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)

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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes me shudder at the thought.)

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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

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The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm... I won't touch THAT one!)

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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??

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Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)

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An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

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Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)

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And, the best for last... Turtles can breathe through their arses.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)

Rinnekausi tuli sitten virallisesti avattua, ja nyt on palattu etelän pimeyteen ja vesisateisiin.

Parilla päivällä venytettyyn viikonloppukeikkaan kuului puolivarovaisen mäenlaskun lisäksi Lauri Tähkän ja Nighwishin keikat, aktiivista saunomista, kohtuullinen määrä alkoholia ja pirusti herjanheittoa. Niin ja sitten vielä vähän syötiin välillä... Isosti kivaa oli! Junamatkoilla VR tosin teki parhaansa yrityksissään saada maksan ja munuaiset vaihtamaan paikkaa keskenään, siksi kuoppaiselta meno makuuhytin laverille tuntui. Junassa ei näemmä edes kannata yrittää matkustaa selvinpäin...

Luultavasti syypäänä ovat nimenomaan aikaerorasituksesta toipuminen ja viime yön katkoiset unet, mutta tämä päivä on mennyt melkein vallan pelastusarmeijan piikkiin. Miljoona mailia odottaa kommenttia ja pari projektia budjetointia & resursointia, mutta ei oikein tahdo jaksaa ajatus kohdentua huomaamaan kaikkia tarvittavia yksityiskohtia. Ehkä huomenna sitten. Kohta taitaa olla korkea aika painua kotiin siirtämään kassien sisältöä pyykkikoneeseen.